Snarkastic

Required Reading

• MJD hits a niche I can't believe we didn't think of first: NFL players who could survive a shark attack.
• Janie rocks custom kicks in the MIA.
• UCLA's offensive line is charitably compared to a pillow fort, in this week's Corrections.
• And Livia and I share everything. Even HIM.

the strangest thing.

I woke up this morning, and the moment I sat up....ever have those few seconds of incomprehension first thing until you remember you did something horrible the night before? The opposite of that. I felt blissfully content and cared for, like it was December 26th or New Year's Day and I'd just seen everyone I'd ever loved the night before. A sensation like waking up from a really, really really good dream, but I didn't have a dream. I've been riding this wave of unreasonable good spirits all day, tapping into it to run an extra mile, knock out a freelance piece that's not due until October, research a few more grad schools.

And then tonight, seemingly by accident, with one chance word I found myself swapping uncharacteristic emotional outpourings, apologies, and laying out every transgression (and lo, they are myriad) with someone I've been wronging pretty consistently for months now (he totally started it), someone way too unbelievably important to risk losing, someone whom I'm far better off sinning with than against. And now that we're back and the world is good and green again, I'm left drained but serene, like I've had what my mother would call A Good Cry.

It is August, so I should know better than to really be rocked by any of this. Four years ago, Allais and I would've clinked glasses and raised a toast to The Stars' latest bender. Maybe this morning's euphoria was just a system shock in the right direction, a hint of how much more joyously I could be existing if I just set this one chain of events back to rights. Or maybe my brain, emitting that Hitchhiker's Guide noise that signifies just how far you are from home, knew I needed a spiritual cuddle after last week.

Or maybe it's some sort of neurotoxin. It's still August.

In which Momma browses EDSBS and doesn't care for Robert Trent Jones.

From: [Momma]
Date: August 6, 2008 6:51:33 AM PDT
To: [Holly]
Subject: p.s.

I don't like the golf course ad.
Any fool who thinks ANY golf course in ALABAMA is better the ANY golf course in Scotland needs a Bama Bubba Brain Boost. These rednecks obviously have NEVER been to a golf course in Scotland, unlike those of us who've actually been on the Old Course at St. Andrews.
(Did I tell you that I spent part of a summer in Scotland, following my time in Cornwall?)
Like anyone would go to Alabama on purpose.

One and only one thing to recommend Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, which I saw last night:

There's a continuity error near the very end where it looks like some guy drowns while the four girls are merrily splashing away next to a rocky cliff. There, you've seen the movie.

Smell like naked foreign ladies!

Over at Consumption, Cara finds some stuff in the mall that makes her smell like a Marrakesh stripper. (I'm paraphrasing here, but not much.)

laff-riot-ish

Breaking down the AP Top 25 with Commandant Swindle. I almost made it the whole hour without making a Charles Woodson joke.

THE HELL WITH YOU, TIMEWARNER.

Thank you, dear people who offered gadgetry and hacking suggestions in the previous thread. I researched them all, then did some digging on the box itself (hush, now), and that's where I hit the wall: Yes, as rumored, the USB ports on the box are both disabled. No, not as rumored, the FireWire ports are NOT enabled. Not for external drives, portable players, nothing. The hell?

So after a couple very entertaining phone calls to TW, and some patient explanation on the part of Brian (thanks, brah), I'm doing what I should've done in the first place, and ditching this Motorola goodfornothing'ceptkicking DH3416 for Tivo, and encouraging the fellas to do the same. Right now I'm shelling out $16.50 a month in rental fees for this contraption on top of my cable bill, so this thing ought to pay for itself by the time the season's over.

A cry for help that ought to get me slapped:

Help. Slight emergency on the horizon: I've been a professional computer-type person for going on two years now, but I don't have the first f'ing clue how to operate a DVR. I just got digital cable for the first time, and it comes with a fake Tivo. All I want to do is record games this fall and get them onto my laptop. Somehow. How do I do this? I read someplace extremely unhelpful that only the branded Tivos can do direct box-to-computer transferring. Do I need to shell out for that, or a separate DVD burner, or is there some way to sock the footage from my normal DVR right onto an external drive? Anyone? This is all in the name of having wicked new video features on EDSBS this fall, so step up for humanity, nerds, and help your sister out.

ripped from the headlines

Artwork on display today:

• When Athletes Blog: Manny Ramirez [PtF]
• Jimmy Clausen, American Outlaw [EDSBS]

there but for the grace of _____

Whenever I have a rough day, frustrating meeting, busted third act, whatever, I hit the road. This has a different effect out here than it used to at home. Instead of speeding around windy back roads with no one but the stereo for company, distraction comes in the form of focusing on not being run off the road by a few dozen other speeding vehicles in the immediate vicinity. Sunday was the end of maybe the worst week I can remember since I moved out here, and bound and determined to drive until there was no one else around, I accidentally wound up barreling through the ranch where we did all our shooting at [DAY JOB REDACTED].

And when I think about all the hours of my life I wasted trying to make Tejon look a little less like Tattooine on your televisions...five torpedoed pitches in one morning doesn't seem quite so tragic.

Yeah, I remember the first time I got shot out of a cannon.

I've been blowing through my Cameron collection in helpless anticipation of Avatar and Alita. Today it's True Lies. I had completely forgotten this:

Brand identity with a bitch-ass attitude.

Our little lifestyle project flourishes in obscurity. Sleep like me! [Consumption]

Laff Riot 80: If they ask you how this happened, say I forced you into this

9:00:48 PM PB: where is agrauraua hills
9:00:57 PM Holly: About an hour north.
9:01:14 PM Holly: They have tarantulas! Like, running around! I poked one with a stick!
9:01:31 PM PB: BOO.
9:01:39 PM Holly: They're kinda cute!
9:01:51 PM Holly: it was just sitting there in the middle of the horse trail
9:01:56 PM Holly: I hopped down and started messing with it
9:02:00 PM Holly: and it gave me this look
9:02:17 PM Holly: Like, "It's a hundred and ten goddamn degrees out here and I'M COVERED IN FUR."

Continue reading "Laff Riot 80: If they ask you how this happened, say I forced you into this"

He's my QB, Pa. I'll do it.

I'm not going to cover any new ground here (NOT THAT IT'S STOPPED ME BEFORE), but just to put this in perspective: I've never really had any feelings about Brett Favre. At all. He's just....there, like an accent table. I am completely uninterested in the fortunes of any NFC team unless they're facing mine in February. Once the Packers started advancing through the playoffs last year, though, the coverage got old fast (LIKE HIM AND HIS LIMBS). January 2008:

Livia: I mean, how do you not root for Favre? Or Eli? Because let's be honest: it is the only chance either of them is ever going to have.
Nastinchka: I'm finding it pretty damn easy not to root for Favre, just so I don't have to hear the word "gunslinger" ever again. I just want his boyish heart of a champion to go live on a farm and chase squirrels.

FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW (ish)

Aaaaaah. It's like a warm blanket. That smells like bourbon. Ever since Madden spent five minutes of airtime comparing Andy Reid to Ben Franklin, I've paid closer attention to the HoF game. I'm not looking forward to hearing the hand-wringing over Peyton's knee, but...it's football. Kinda. (Also, with Sorgi in at QB1, there is a legitimate chance of seeing Jared Lorenzen play. It's like the football equivalent of watching Crocodile 2: Death Swamp*, which I am absolutely not watching right now to kill time until the pregame show. Not at all.)

*This statement should not be taken as an indictment of Sorgi, whom I adore, to such a degree that I once coerced a certain well-known sports blogger into banning a commenter who mocked him in a conversation completely unrelated to the Colts. It's just that watching Jared Lorenzen play professional football is like watching a circus bear ride a tricycle around in a sawdust pit, and that, friends and neighbors, is Good Television.

Awww, how'd I never write about Wall-E?

Didn't you just want this shot to go on forever?

Required Reading

• Corrections. [Holly, EDSBS]
• Like a Margarita. But for your face. [Joan, Consumption]

tears of a clown

Last year I made an executive decision to adopt a baseball team, with the help of darlings Texy and JHC. I had only a couple stipulations: that the team play in a major market, so I could watch whenever I wanted, and that the team be comprised from top to bottom of complete maniacs. They steered me to the Red Sox straightaway, and it's the perfect fit. Can't stand to watch games on television? Me either, but try Boston--they're apparently pretty good at it, and there's always some sideshow in the periphery to hold your attention. And sure enough, here was the maniac-est of all:

And now he's off to the Dodgers, which, while placing him a few short miles away, will entail setting foot in the hellmouth of Chavez Ravine in order to lay eyes on him. I don't care enough about baseball as a sport to give a fig about team chemistry or faked injuries or impolite contract negotiations--the guy is good television, and it ought to be patently obvious how much that counts for around here. He won't be on the same screen as Ortiz and Papelbon and the rest of that merry band of Boston rogues I've come to feel strange affection for, and in my infinitesimal baseball sphere that's nothing short of a body blow.

Bye, you big lug. You're about to be 3000 miles closer, but I miss you already.

'nother project

Very freshly hatched product-based sure-to-be-sporadically-updated-at-best blog that will be completely uninteresting to the 94% of you of the dude persuasion. (I should say 93%...attn, overly-familiar borderline-restraining-order-enabling set: If you can't sleep at night wondering what my hetero lifemate and I smell like, read on and find out what to spritz your pillow with, before smothering us with it. Cheerio!)

Also, I can't draw, at all, and the header I'm trying to construct is suffering grievously because of it. Visual types, hit me up via sidebar, please and thank you.

earthquake! to the social networks!

Wildly entertaining Defamer thread during yesterday's geo-wiggles.

oooooh, project

This here's the brainchild of La Schorno, a portal for the sporty writings of 15 women scribes from all over. This kind of thing is really going to help writers like me once the season starts and I've got a place to aggregate pieces running on four different sites at once. Check it out, enjoy the familiar faces, and meet some new stalkees pen pals.

And looky! My box is orange! Just like you always suspected.

I felt the earth move! (NO, REALLY, I FELT THE EARTH MOVE AND IT WAS NOT COOL.)

My first earthquake (that I didn't sleep through)! I'm fine, everyone I know is fine, a picture frame broke, and can that PLEASE NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN THAT SUCKED.

Laff Riot 79: unexpected free time at 5 AM

11:06:35 AM Holly: Jimmy just threw what I think is his third INT.
11:07:15 AM Joan: Somewhere, Casey is laughing. I can't believe he wasn't the worst Clausen.
11:07:35 AM Holly: We were at bottom of barrel.
11:07:38 AM Holly: And they found another one.
11:08:04 AM Joan: I don't have time to start this. I'm getting ready to go to Greekfest. But don't let me keep Casey from the trough.
11:38:13 AM Holly: And now he's limping, and I bet my grad school tuition fund he's faking it.
11:38:38 AM Holly: I just burned myself on the stove, I was laughing so hard I had to catch myself and the nearest surface was red-hot metal.
11:38:48 AM Holly: It was worth it.

Continue reading "Laff Riot 79: unexpected free time at 5 AM"

YOU DON'T SAY.

From the Times Online, via AICN, George Lucas re: the fourth/FIFTH Indiana Jones films:

Really, with the last one, Steven wasn't that enthusiastic. I was trying to persuade him. But now Steve is more amenable to doing another one. Yet we still have the issues about the direction we'd like to take. I'm in the future; Steven's in the past. He's trying to drag it back to the way they were, I'm trying to push it to a whole different place.

we are very famous and important

No Laff Riot today (or much of anything this week) due to festival commitments, but if you want to see some serious talent, come on out.

shark shark shark shark shark shark shark shark shark shark

After several months of listening to the new self-produced editions of EDSBS Live, significant events in my life no longer feel complete without a PB-authored arena-style intro.

Ladies and gentlemen....welcome to Shark Week.

Continue reading "shark shark shark shark shark shark shark shark shark shark"

Maybe he figured the Baptists would go armed?

A gunman opened fire this morning at the Unitarian church next to campus. Two people are dead so far. The report says the shooter had a "problem with religion" and believed "the Bible contradicts itself", although how that set him after Unitarians is anyone's guess. Send prayers if you got 'em.

[UPDATE: We have our answers.]

A LOVE NO MORTIFICATION COULD SUNDER

Papi is flying into my sullen embrace tomorrow. His latest movie got accepted into a festival in Hollywood, and for the next seven days there will be half-a-Hive roaming the streets of L.A., which is no kind of ready for the redneck hell about to be unleashed thereon.

Being the worst-behaved creature in this photo is no small accomplishment, but he's it. Papi and I were besties from the end of freshman year until he got up in my face when I wouldn't give him his keys because he was too drunk to drive home from the 'Skull, then I threw them at his head and told him I hoped he wrapped his car around a tree and died, then I went off to work on the campaign and when I got back there was another 'Skull party and he told everyone I wasn't speaking to him because we were playing a Saved by the Bell sex game and he was A.C. and I was Jessie and I was trying to stay in character, and when I found out I bit him really, really hard on the arm and ever since then we haven't had a single fight. This should give a vague impression of what to expect out of this week.

whiskey tango foxtrot

"Siskel. And Ebert. And the movies. And the asshole, and that's Roger."

I swear the last three minutes of this derails into religious diatribe and Siskel saying, "I already shot my wad on the Protestants", but none of you'll believe me, so go on and see for yourselves:

Roger and Gene's widow should just sell the outtakes to HBO, because this will withstand every attempt at replication.

Jim Tressel's panty pile

Corrections, and have a lovely weekend. I was supposed to make my third Dark Knight trip tonight (I haven't seen it in IMAX!!), but I have an earache. Who gets earaches but past the age of three? OW.

two disappointments from the city of angels

1. Despite the URL and name of this blog, it does not appear that Rob Cohen has had his brains yanked out through his nostrils.

2.

Panaderias don't sell pandas.

wakey wakey

I'm having my first issue with the new MBP, and it's not easy finding help for it because I don't know how to describe it. For the past week or so, when I wake it from sleep mode, I get this:

Sometimes it's this white screen, and sometimes it's all gray with colored pixels, like the bar at the top of this picture. It doesn't appear to be a physical issue with the screen because I can still see mouse movements with perfect clarity, whether it's the pointer or the spinny wheel. And when I hit a hot corner, I can see shapes moving underneath. It's fine upon restart, but I take this thing everywhere and sleep mode is essential for travel. I'm not having the best luck in forums because I don't really know how to describe the screen above to find a thread that might have an answer for me. I do see that many users are experiencing blank screens when emerging from sleep mode, but nothing like what I'm seeing. It might be an NVIDIA issue; my graphics card is among a batch that's rumored to be all going up in smoke, but until I can figure out what's actually happening here I don't imagine I'll get very far.