Snarkastic

Laff Riot 108: Kettlebells for the Soul

Preee-eeee-eeee-paaaare yeee the waaaay of the LEMSDAY:
7:14:09 PM Swindle: ODACOACHO LUVYASO
7:25:41 PM Holly: AH LUVVA EVERTHANG
7:26:03 PM Holly: All is right with the world. I'm not kidding.
7:26:52 PM Swindle: He's such a badass
7:26:57 PM Holly: HIM OUR'N
7:27:50 PM Swindle: New essential boat in Vol Navy: AIRBOAT
7:27:57 PM Holly: [thud]
7:27:58 PM Holly: Yes.
7:28:20 PM Swindle: Buy one now. Cover it in the finest of critter pelts
7:28:48 PM Holly: THEAH WILL BE A BAHBECUE AT TWAYLVE OAKS TONAGHT
7:28:53 PM Holly: AH BAHBECUE OF HUMAN FLAYSH
7:29:11 PM Holly: ....yeah, it's gonna be a caps lock kinda night.
7:29:18 PM Swindle: Why not?
7:30:13 PM Holly: He'd want it that way, if he knew what a computer was
7:30:23 PM Holly: HAPPAH LEMYEAR
7:32:16 PM Swindle: He doesn't text message. He yells until you hear him
7:32:26 PM Holly: It don't take long.

Continue reading "Laff Riot 108: Kettlebells for the Soul"

read things: US

• The dear old monster could not deserve this more. Quake in your boots, SEC West.
• He's heeeeeeeere (and he's OUR'N)
• HAPPY JANIE SMASH
• This is kinda pointless to read now, but I was on the road when it went up, and we did answer the "Will Penn State even score?" question.
• 'Box gets down chez Janie with The Year What Was...
• ...and looks back on 2008 A.D.: Anno Dent.

read things: THEM

• How I want to die
• I really like this, and I don't really know why.
• The most fun A.O. Scott has ever had writing a review, and to great effect.
• The 4th one down, for no explainable reason, is the funniest thing Grimey's ever done.
• Somebody's got a birthday coming up. Just saying.
• The perfect companion to FUCK YEAH SHARKS
• Princess PrettyPants sent me this. She is a terrible person. I fucking dare you to watch the whole thing.

This is my rifle; this is my helmeted cartilaginous fish

I don't really have the same wide-reaching, conference-jumping loyalties in the NFL that I enjoy in college ball. There are teams I like. The Titans, for having grown up nearby and for their continued employment of Albert Haynesworth. A Titans Super Bowl appearance would be just grand. Also lurved: the Broncos, to follow Stokley (TEAM HORSEY). But nothing compares to the boys in blue.

The good ship Peyton has sailed into the night, however, and it's time to cast about for the next best thing.

Let's hear it for the Dolphins, then.

I've been watching them with mild interest since the return of dear Sticky Ricky. But it was the acquisition of hometown hero Chad Pennington that held my attention all season. If you never watched him play for Webb or Marshall, never railed against hissing Jets fans as he slogged through another series in New York, if you care as little about the AFC as I care about the NFC, consider two things:

1) It's a great storyline. From 1-15 to AFC East champs and a playoff berth in the space of a year? As a fan of the game, what's not to love?

2) Pleeease don't throw me in that coke-and-ass patch! To revew: Chad Pennington is throwing touchdown passes in Miami, surrounded by palm trees and sparkly beaches and sluts as far as the eye can see, and Brett FaRve is sitting home in January, staving off a locker room mutiny, and picking little bits of sleet out of his grizzle. Very occasionally, the universe provides.

It being Miami and it being Baltimore, it's easily possible that this all ends today, but raise one up to our boy Chad in the meantime. He's more than earned this moment.

*I know a dolphin isn't a fish, because I am smarter than you, but let's see how long it takes for someone who can't be bothered to read this far to say so.

Sleepover of the Damned Pool 2009: Wild Cards

Our little winged and fanged experiment has sprouted multiple new heads this year. I had this whole thing planned to roll it out, but a more-eventful-than-it-should've-rightfully-been drive to Louisiana yesterday sapped all my remaining will, so please ignore the fact that I sweet-talked all this fine new talent into joining us and couldn't even find the time to expand my own picks, and give a warm welcome to our returning pool sharks:

• Holly Atlanta | Indy | Miami | Philly
• Joan Arizona | Indy | Miami | Philly
• Peck Atlanta | Indy | Miami | Philly
• Moo Arizona | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• PLadd Atlanta | Indy | Miami | Philly
• Nick Atlanta | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• Danny Arizona | San Diego | Miami | Philly
• Jef Atlanta | Indy | Miami | Philly
• Janie Arizona | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• S2N Atlanta | Indy | Miami | Philly
• PB Atlanta | Indy | Baltimore | Philly

And an inappropriately affectionate welcome to the new class:

• Bailey Atlanta | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• Steph Arizona | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• Lt. Winslow Arizona | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• Doug Atlanta | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• Cotter Arizona | Indy | Miami | Philly
• Texy Arizona | Indy | Miami | Philly
• TSW Atlanta | Pick | Pick | Minnesota
• TGC Arizona | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• DCTrojan Arizona | San Diego | Baltimore | Philly
• Harris Atlanta | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• TC Atlanta | Indy | Miami | Philly
• T$ Arizona | Indy | Miami | Philly
• RCR Atlanta | Indy | Baltimore | Philly
• J-Money Arizona | Indy | Baltimore | MInnesota

Justifications long on spite and short on logic follow after the jump. And my land, this is LONG; we'll have to break this up somehow as we roll along, but more on that when I'm not covered in champagne and black-eyed peas and tinsel:

Continue reading "Sleepover of the Damned Pool 2009: Wild Cards"

Fuck the Year in Review: Year Eight

Not my finest year. But that's sophomore seasons for you. Palettes dimmed. Supporting cast dropping everywhere. Fanboys screaming murder.

And we're out the other side and we're just as surprised as you are and nobody's unscathed, not in the slightest, but if this is a trilogy it's about to get good. Stay tuned.

"You can't suggest weaponizing Linux kernels on Yahoo."

• Music City Bowl Preview
• Peach (FUCK YOU IT'S THE PEACH BOWL) Bowl Preview

He meant "motorboating".

Deleted Scene

An exclusive interview with the title sponsor of the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl

HOLLY: Thanks so much for joining us today.

A WHALE:

Continue reading "Deleted Scene"

I turned a korner, somewhere

Humanitarian Bowl Preview [Yahoo(!)]

Sleepover of the Damned Pool, Year Three(ish)

I'm literally, actually buried in bowl coverage, but throwing this out as a reminder: For the most part, if you rolled with our playoff roundtable group last year, your participation is expected again this season. I'll be emailing invites to a few new faces as well, just to mix things up, though as always, anyone is welcome to play along in the comments. Otherwise, same rules apply, and the games are as follows:

Round One: Wild Card

CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT: New England, Dallas

Atlanta @ Arizona, 4:30 pm Saturday
Indianapolis @ San Diego, 8:00 pm Saturday
Baltimore @ Miami, 1:00 pm Sunday
Philadelphia @ Minnesota, 4:30 pm Sunday

If you're signed up for the pool, send me your picks for the weekend, along with clever justifications of any length, by Friday morning and we'll post them Friday night.* Kisses!

[Operative word being FRIDAY FRIDAY THE DEADLINE FOR THIS IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE FRIDAY don't be stupid this year or we'll make fun of you on the internet.]

Pizza Bowls. What?

• Alamo Bowl Preview [Yahoo(!)] You have less than a day to get away with any Chase Domino's jokes you've been hoarding. Enjoy yourselves.
• PapaJohns.com "Yes, that's really what it's called STOP LAUGHING LET US HAVE THIS" Bowl Preview [EDSBS] Years from now, when everyone's wondering why I absconded to some far-off island with that Georgia boy, just send them this link.

Laff Riot 107: Wait, who let the Two-Headed Monster be Santa Claus?

10:26:22 PM PB: is it spelled velociraptor?
10:26:32 PM Nastinchka: Yes, dear.
10:26:42 PM PB: Do velociraptors have big wing spans?
10:26:55 PM PB: Or are they the stubby armed guys
10:27:05 PM Nastinchka: little arms.
10:27:18 PM Nastinchka: not like t-rexes
10:27:25 PM Nastinchka: but not very arm-y
10:27:20 PM PB: Am I thinking of pterodactyls?
10:27:26 PM Nastinchka: Yes.
10:27:29 PM PB: And did I spell that right?
10:27:33 PM Nastinchka: Yes.
10:27:39 PM Nastinchka: Velociraptors don't fly.
10:27:47 PM Nastinchka: *eyes go VERY VERY WIDE* (If only...*reverie music*)
10:27:57 PM PB: Gracias.
10:28:03 PM Nastinchka: G'night!

Continue reading "Laff Riot 107: Wait, who let the Two-Headed Monster be Santa Claus?"

"You can't call the female orgasm a myth on Yahoo."

Independence Bowl Preview, up and at 'em. I really hope we got some of The Sporting News' market share this year, because I know intimately how well the Shreveport natives respond to jokes about their fair hamlet.

Ohhh, criminy.

So here is my very fine Emerald Bowl preview for Yahoo!/Rivals, which in itself is no great news, but is about to become a notable life experience because it just got bumped to the front page. You have never seen anything like the critters that are about to appear in that thread. Watch, and wonder. And when you can't take anymore, which shouldn't take long, Hinton and Doug and I are back together doing live coverage right chere.

Laurel Station, back again

Demonstrably, not much has changed:

HOLLY: Coo. Coo.
LIVVY: I am half a blink from flipping the "POUT/KILL" switch.
EUKARIAH: Love me. LOVE ME.

"You can't openly call for Bill Stewart's assassination on Yahoo."

In searching for the next best thing, I put Pat White on a unicorn, and a gingham owl in Detroit.

mawwakissmas! read things:

Click through for embiggened season's greetings, me to you.

• Hawaii Bowl Preview, with a big hand from my intended.
• Janiesawngs
• Sleepy Duck!
• All I want for Christmas is to LIVE HERE.
• THING BETTER THAN A SLEEPY DUCK
• Season's Greetings, nerds.
• One more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

G'night, you monsters. A Happy Christmas to all.

read things:

Cry, the bowl-loved country:

• Poinsettia [EDSBS]

Merry Christmas from the Family

It ain't proper Christmas without us doing this again. It's like half show songs, but for most of my young life that was Christmas, so like it. And no tradition like a new tradition.

read things:

Keep bowlin', bowlin', bowlin, bowlin:

• N'Awlins [EDSBS]
• Poinsettia [Yahoo(!)]